spotlight;

947; a network you don't know.

2009-03-09T00:13:00.001+08:00

Fuck you, bitch. Seriously.
I have plenty of good friends around me.

Urgh. Why do I waste time telling you the same things over and over again??

946; i appreciate media like this.

2009-03-08T22:11:00.003+08:00

The past few hours were a wake-up call for me.

While searching online for stories on sweatshops, I came across this YouTube video by a New York Times reporter entitled 'The Face of Slavery'. It's about a girl who shared her nightmare when she was kidnapped, and trafficked to Phnom Penh as a prostitute. Fuck... My muscles couldn't move an inch throughout the 5-min video... (It's worse than watching any Thai horror movie.)

Reality kicked in, one time.

Then, in cold sweat, I joined my parents in the living room for the last episode of 'Happily Ever After', a local production by Jack Neo. Mixed feelings. On one hand, it made me even more afraid of marriage. On the other, it comforted me knowing that I'm not weird and alone.

Reality kicked in, two times.

After the show, my mom switched to 'Unexpected Access' on Channel 5. Fuck (again), it was worse than watching a violent war show this time. It featured a small kid suffering from severe burns on his entire body, especially his face and arms. I cried. He even had to have his right hand amputated, because the burns were so bad. My goodness... I must salute MediaCorp for finally allowing such mature and vivid content to be broadcasted.

Reality kicked in, three times.

Appreciate life, Marj. Stop being so bothered by trivial stuff like... The trivial, stupid things that people do, and the little things that are actually affecting you right now. Gosh.

945; mirrors.

2009-03-08T16:54:00.003+08:00

To person #1:
I'm done with you and your weightless words.
Your friends ought to realize that for themselves.
Give it a couple of months maybe, and you'll make a fool of yourself again.
You never fail to, you know.

To person #2:
I have to stop living in this facade.
We both need to accept the fact that we can't go on doing this.
I have been that, done that.
I know that nothing good will come out of all this.

To myself:
It's not worth losing your appetite and going hungry for any of this.
It's not worth having your heart ache and stomach churn so badly.
Be strong, and control yourself.
You will pull through, and soon you will be happy again.

944; memorial.

2009-03-08T12:45:00.004+08:00

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be

I TOLD MYSELF I WON'T MISS YOU
BUT I REMEMBER WHAT IT FEELS LIKE BESIDE YOU

I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took that you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall, you and me in the dressing room

I TOLD MYSELF I WON'T MISS YOU
BUT I REMEMBER WHAT IT FEELS LIKE BESIDE YOU

I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend...
I won't think about you when I'm older
'Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end

I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

943; the lover after me.

2009-03-08T12:18:00.003+08:00

Here I go again

I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on, I still feel exactly the same
It's just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love, to your lover now
To your love, the lover after me

Am I all alone in the universe?
There's no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway
So this is my new freedom
It's funny, I don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore
Without you I'm always twenty minutes late

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love, to your lover now
To your love, the lover after me

And time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you

Here I go again
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
But I'm standing at your doorway
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love, to your lover now
To your love, the lover after me

942; should have turned left.

2009-03-07T15:54:00.000+08:00

I'm always too late
I see the train leaving
I'm always laughing
When it's not cool to smile

I'm always aiming
But somehow keep missing
So how did you get here
Something is wrong

Where did I go right
How did I get you
How come all this blue sky is around me
And you found me
Where did I go right
How did I get you
I don't know how I did
But somehow now I do

941; stab me.

2009-03-06T02:53:00.002+08:00

Lies, lies, lies!!!

omfg.

940; away.

2009-03-05T13:19:00.004+08:00

Life gets oddly better when you're not around.

939; unbearable.

2009-03-04T23:30:00.006+08:00

FUCK.

938; sleepless night.

2009-03-04T08:17:00.004+08:00

PART I

How can I decide what's right
When you're clouding up my mind?
I can't win your losing fight all the time

Nor can I ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
But you won't take away my pride
No, not this time, not this time

How did we get here?
When I used to know you so well
But how did we get here?
Well, I think I know

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it's hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think that I can't see

Do you see what we've done?

We've gone and made such fools of ourselves

Do you see what we've done?

We've gone and made such fools of ourselves

The image, the thought, the truth... They wouldn't get out of my head. My stomach churned like there was no tomorrow... I blocked out the screams with my music, as I hid myself well under the blanket, letting the tears flow as naturally as they could. It was then when I realized how much I actually miss you. It was then when I was badly craving for another dozen.

PART II

Pipsqueak. I wish I was dreaming...

PART III

Feeling utterly helpless, I gave up.

937; hurting distance.

2009-03-01T23:29:00.005+08:00

Distance is not from point A to point B,

but from person A to person B.

936; fire.

2009-03-01T21:06:00.012+08:00

Fire, a double-edged sword.

It started out as a huge ball of flames, passion that no wind or water could erase. Put defiance and strength together, a bond was forged as strong as the walls built around our hearts. Even the inner chemistry that reacted and sometimes overreacted at the very core of it all produced heat and energy so massive that binded everything over and over again, fortifying every bit of dust. It was the fire that held us together. It was the heat and pain we vowed to go through together, like men fighting a terrible dragon holding their fortress together; it's do or die. But the fire changed its tide. The fire was so strong that it transformed its heart into hatred and misery. The elements got out of control; the blinding flashes of particle explosions cut our flesh open, and all of a sudden, the fire dissolved into a vacuum as we screamed and screamed in excruciating pain... The fire that once made us and held us, became the fire that destroyed and burned us at the stake.

Fire, a double-edged sword. It will never be yielded again.

935; writing profiles - passion.

2009-02-28T14:36:00.003+08:00

i ♥ ugc
i ♥ ugc
i ♥ ugc
i ♥ ugc
i ♥ ugc

934; statistics for the behavioral sciences.

2009-02-28T14:30:00.001+08:00

933; treats!

2009-02-27T17:42:00.002+08:00

I have four new rulers.

932; i would shut down.

2009-02-27T17:10:00.006+08:00

* IF LIFE WERE LIKE A COMPUTER:

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it.

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on “find” (Ctrl + F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl + Alt + Delete" and start all over!

931; writing profiles - enthusiasm.

2009-02-27T16:55:00.002+08:00

930; writing profiles - enduring lives.

2009-02-26T23:41:00.004+08:00

This morning, I made a new friend. A 74-year old lady who needed my help to look out for her bus. A mother who lost her daughter to cancer just last Sunday. I think it's the first time I ever felt this "close" to a stranger, as she asked me about my studies and ambitions, and talked about her grandsons'. By the way she talked and the things that she told me, I could tell that she is no ordinary elderly lady. Just by her presence, I could feel peace. By her words, I could draw strength. And by her spirit, I was deeply encouraged.

Then, her bus arrived, and I saw her off as she made her way, on her own, to spend some time with an old friend.

929; the greatest loves.

2009-02-23T23:05:00.003+08:00

I felt like today was the worst day of my life. I still have absolutely no idea how I went through the paper and the rest of the day.

The power and love of God? (:

Mummy is the best. It was pouring as I was rushing out for my exam today, and I was in a lot of pain. She waited for the cab with me, and sheltered me throughout with an umbrella... She also gave me money for cab fare. Today's ESL lesson also made me realize how fortunate I am to have a mum who cooks dinner at home almost every evening for the family. I love you, Mummy! :D

Stats paper was a giveaway today. I'm going to claim my free pasta soon, I hope! ;)

928; the prime decade.

2009-02-22T21:55:00.002+08:00

I am turning 21 this year. If I count backwards, I come to a chilly realization that I do not have enough time already.

927; just to see you.

2009-02-19T01:07:00.002+08:00

Come to think of it, I actually get to see you four times a week.

926; a special valentine's.

2009-02-14T21:15:00.005+08:00

Dear Diary,

I had a lonely Valentine's Day today. I had tuition at noon, then I headed to town on my own. I booked a PC at Big-O, went downstairs to get lunch, and my seven hours straight of L4D began. I learnt new things about the game today. Although I was quite lonely, I'm happy that I got to spend the day with Sylas and Alvin. (: I was disappointed that I had to stop playing eventually, and I headed home at about 9. I didn't have dinner. I saw many happy couples today, with the girls holding flowers, balloons, and their boyfriends' hands. But I looked around carefully and realized that the majority of the crowd weren't couples in fact. Some were with friends, some were with their kids or parents, some were alone too. It made me feel a tad better.

925; friday the 13th.

2009-02-13T21:10:00.004+08:00

Dear Diary,

This morning, I had the most stressful, yet enriching, presentation of my life. After class, I took a bus to P's house, and slept the afternoon away. Then we headed down to have steamboat with the girls. I chose to turn up in the end, because I knew that it might be the last dinner/time that I would see them. The whole time during dinner they were talking about clubbing and break-ups and relationships. I was feeling quite uneasy and depressed. But it's okay. I went home after dinner.

924; at long last.

2009-02-10T23:59:00.002+08:00

Finally, a conversation.

923; sam's heart (:

2009-02-10T13:31:00.005+08:00

922; hope.

2009-02-08T00:33:00.002+08:00

MARJ: i also want my ♥boyboy♥ to find me soon, or maybe i'll find him, haha.

921; random variables.

2009-02-08T00:13:00.004+08:00

I want to do so many things, I need more hours in a day.
I want Dean's List, but it means I have to take 5 modules in a semester.
I am addicted to the Versus mode on L4D, especially when I'm the Hunter.
I am excited about the new Sociology course that UB's launching in May.
I want to cycle, jog, swim, go to the beach... I want (and need!) to exercise.
I want to join the Floorball team, but I don't know how to.

I want to spend my 21st birthday in Sentosa.

920; goals for the year.

2009-01-30T00:15:00.011+08:00

#1 Learn how to say "no".
Due date: 31.12.09
#2 Save S$700.
Due date: 31.5.09
#3 Learn how to take "no" for an answer.
Due date: 31.12.09
#4 Complete all four L4D campaigns in "expert" mode.
Due date: 8.6.09
#5 Read 'Digital Fortress' and 'Deception Point'.
Due date: 30.6.09
#6 Maintain a GPA of 3.8.
Until: 31.12.09
#7 Save S$1500.
Due date: 31.12.09
#8 Swim once every week.
Until: 31.12.09
#9 PD/APD a camp.
Due date: 31.12.09
#10 Run for Council ExCo.
Due date: 30.11.09

919; learn your lesson.

2009-01-30T00:11:00.003+08:00

There is no point in an apology

if it does not translate to change.

918; drauma.

2009-01-29T23:48:00.005+08:00

One mistake. An irrational behaviour on my part, a rash impulse of stupidity. What the fuck was that, what the fuck was that?? Five cuts and bruises, two aching arms. I got thrown off, pushed, shoved, again and again, but I hung on for dear life. What the fuck was that, what the fuck was that?? An aching jaw. Your hand on my left cheek, and many more from my own. What the fuck was that, what the fuck was that?? Twelve police officers. What the fuck was that, what the fuck was that?? I would welcome a horde of them if you'd learn for good. Three broken hearts. What will mend? What the fuck was that, what the fuck was that?? One night, one record, one shame for a lifetime. What the fuck was that, what the fuck was that?? Choices have consequences.

917; crossed out.

2009-01-26T01:33:00.002+08:00

Surprisingly, when I was coming up with that small list, you didn't even cross my mind.

916; anxiety.

2009-01-26T01:25:00.001+08:00

I don't feel CNY. I skipped countdown and finished my !@#$% profile. It was slipshod work that did not even make up two pages. I submitted it, rejected the invitation to the council gathering, cleared my junk mail, and went onto Audition. I bought a new top on impulse. I want a new hair too. SIGH. Well, at least with ESL out of my way for the moment, I can finally start reading my UGC textbook. I can't wait for the stats problem set to be uploaded, then I can finally get my hands onto some math too. I wish I have a car, I wish I could drive, because I really feel like a car ride right now. And so I ramble on and on in my head.

I'm really sleepy and tired, but I don't feel like sleeping tonight.

915; quote of the day.

2009-01-24T22:19:00.009+08:00

---------------------------

A cynic is a man who,

in a field of flowers,

looks for a coffin.

----------------------

914; rest, soul.

2009-01-24T02:47:00.001+08:00

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

913; you!

2009-01-24T02:41:00.005+08:00

YOUR SEX IS ON FIRE.

912; somebody, is nobody.

2009-01-24T02:37:00.002+08:00

You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

I could never use you again.

I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me

You never did.

911; don't.

2009-01-24T02:25:00.004+08:00

Don't look, when you're not looking for anything.
Don't think, when nothing good comes out of it.
Don't talk, when you have nothing to say.
Don't cry, when there's no tears left.
Don't pretend, when everything is false anyway.

Don't frown, 'cause there's alcohol to wash you out of my system, out of my system. I don't know how it happened, it just happened. I don't know how we lost contact.

Don't search, when there's no one there. I don't really want to know where you went, where you are. I don't want to hear your reasons.

Outta my system, outta my system.

910; i'm still waiting, c.

2009-01-24T01:06:00.002+08:00

Sitting watching time passing by me
Voices in my head asking why me?
I'm here wishing you would stop by my place
But the only time we talk is on MySpace
By the way, have you found my replacement?
She should be the one on this spaceship
Waking up, reaching for you when you're not there
You got me in another galaxy, I'm out there

You're the reason I don't change my number
Don't you know it's still the same
Oh boy I know you remember that summer
When we kicked it everyday
Don't know how it happened, just happened
Kinda like we faded away
And I feel so alienated, don't you feel so alienated

I miss you and I want you back
I lost your signal, where you at?
And I don't know how we lost contact
Where did you go? I'm searching for you
Can't get you outta my system
Outta my system, outta my system
Can't get you outta my system
Outta my system, outta my system
Can't get you outta my system
Outta my system, outta my system
Where did you go? I'm searching for you

909; writing profiles - unusual you.

2009-01-24T00:57:00.003+08:00

Been so many things when I was someone else
Boxer in the ring, tryin' to defend myself
And the private eyes see what's going on
That's long gone

When I'm with you I can just be myself
You're always where you say you will be
Shocking 'cause I never knew love like this
Could exist

Tables are turning, my heart is soaring
You'll never let me down
Answer my call, here after all
Never met anyone like you

908; writing profiles - your heart.

2009-01-20T22:44:00.004+08:00

Today, I learnt an important truth, a revelation that is starting to save my life. I have learnt that your heart has become numb; you have officially become indifferent. Congratulations, you have moved on, or at least you have made a big step in doing so. Seeing that there is nothing more that you can give me, and there is nothing more that I can give you, I shall excuse myself, make myself scarce, so that we may finally embrace the freedom that we have been longing for far too long.

Yes, the day has come. The war has ended. We can go home now.

907; writing profiles - my heart.

2009-01-18T23:29:00.004+08:00

My heart has never felt complete, somehow, even during the happiest moments of my life. My heart has always known what it wants, but it never got it, even if it did, it was never permanent. That is why it is still searching, trying to keep its flame alive, trying to sustain its hopes. And that is also why in the midst of all this searching, it often gets messed up and stuck, and sometimes it loses its direction and gets confused for a while.

906; writing profiles - ideas.

2009-01-17T13:10:00.002+08:00

If I could profile you, it would never end. How about a profile of the Vatican City? I could dig into secrets, archives, cardinals, codes, chapels... Perhaps I could go back to the past and chat with a concubine in the emperor's palace. Or an Iranian woman in distress. Ah, a thought just came into my head. I could visit a cemetry and talk to the dead, find out more about afterlife. A profile of the rich and famous, Madonna or Will Smith maybe?

I know. I could do religion. A church, a temple.
Or maybe I could look into your heart one last time.

905; writing profiles - week one.

2009-01-14T21:38:00.005+08:00

It's the first week of school, and hell, I'm feeling the stress and pressure already. The unfamiliarity of ESL408, the fear of UGC112, the uncertainty of CSE111, and the dullness of PSY207. Glenda Singh is humorous but unfamiliar, Curtis Thomson plays with our fears, Abel Choy is loved, and Radhi Raja is simple and clear. I signed up for this combination of modules, knowing that I was stepping into an abyss, yet I went for it anyway. Many times I have considered other modules like SOC101 and COM217 and COM225, but due to timetable constraints and my stubborn preference to be pampered by late mornings and short weeks, I decided that I shall make this semester a challenge for me. More importantly, my insecurities demand my friends to be with me for all of my classes, thus I encouraged myself that great company would help me endure the battle well. Although the clique seems to be physically split into half now thanks to our different timetables, I pray hard that we will stick our guts together and still be one in our hearts.

I also hope that God's grace will help me tide through this long period of recession, maintain the sanity of my bank account, and keep my wallet from burning further than ever.

As you can see, the USP of my first week of school is fairly obvious. I hope that my textbooks will stay cosily wrapped forever.

904; assignment #1.

2009-01-05T22:29:00.001+08:00

It's the Orientation tomorrow, I'm praying hard.
I just need my friends close by. (:

903; worst news.

2009-01-05T22:28:00.002+08:00

Volleyball training is suspended until July???
Wtf?? YOU SUCK. I am very, very upset.

902; a wait too long.

2009-01-05T22:24:00.001+08:00

You so disappeared on me, totally.
How long more must I wait??

901; lamentation.

2009-01-04T00:20:00.003+08:00

"Yeah, she's pissed again."
"Well, at least you got to spend your special day with someone you love."
Things you said to your friends in front of me, cuts like a knife.
I guess I worry a lot for you, that's why. That's why I act in ways that we don't like.

I feel horribly lonely, where are you?
You disappeared on me, totally. Sometimes I want to give up.

Orientation is in two days. I'm still 90% clueless.
Call myself a CC. I wonder what my real role is.
What's gonna happen then? Who am I to turn to?

I'm really hungry. :(

900; recollections.

2008-12-30T23:25:00.004+08:00

Mom and I were talking on the bus a few days ago, and I didn't expect her to talk to me about the year 2008. She said that it has been a rather eventful year; so many things happened, good and bad, pleasant and unpleasant. A few of them are:

=Grandpa passed away
=two Grandmas admitted in hospital
=I changed school
=sister finished her Os
=Mom did her hamper business
=family went to Koh Samui

...

For me, I had two breakups. Yes, I changed school, I am happier. I found you, my new bestie. I found a new bunch of cool friends. I finally joined volleyball as a CCA, and I am back in student council again. I first PD-ed a camp in AKLTG.

...

Wow. All in all, this year has been a real stretch for me, and despite the unpleasant events that happened, I am thankful for all the enriching learning experiences. As I will soon put the year 2008 behind, I am looking forward to what 09 brings. First up, Spring'09 Orientation! ;)

899; running away.

2008-12-29T00:02:00.002+08:00

Don't lie and say that it's okay
It's alright if there's nothing more to say
So I'm running away
I'm leaving this place
Yeah, I'm running away
I'm running away

Don't tell me I'm the one to blame
It's too late for you to make me stay
No, I won't stay
So I'm running away
I'm leaving this place
Yeah, I'm running away
I'm running away

And faster than you can follow me from this lonely place
And farther than you can find me, I'm leaving

Yeah I'm leaving today
And I, I'll never let you find me
I'm leaving you behind with the past
No, I won't look back
And I don't want to hear your reasons
Don't want to hear you tell me why I should stay

And try, and try to understand me
And try to understand what I say, when I say I can't stay
I, I'm moving on from this place
I'm leaving and I won't quit running away

I'm running away
I'm leaving this place
Yeah, I'm running away
I'm running away

898; pretty dreams.

2008-12-27T23:03:00.003+08:00

I bought a pretty calendar from this pretty shop that sells really pretty, pretty things.
I bought four pump socks that are very thin, so it's not really good but they are nice.
I finally got my 2009 organizer, it's white and I'm gonna touch it up with nice colours.
I got a new hair clip and a ring, they are pretty and my aunt paid for them, I'm happy.

I want to get my textbooks, I want to start studying already.
I want to spend less and save more next year. I want to start saving for a car! :D

897; insights.

2008-12-27T22:54:00.003+08:00

When I was in the car with SY on the way home from A31's gathering, I gained insights that I appreciate a lot. Firstly, I learnt that two of my ex-classmates have accepted Christ into their lives and are now active church-goers. These two friends of mine are the least that I expected out of the entire class to turn to the Lord! And I was very happy and proud to hear that! Amen, amen.

Then we talked about love and relationships (yes, my all-time favourite topic). I never thought that SY has such an attitude towards relationships. How I wish I'm half of her. Combine her and me and you'd get a perfect girl! Sigh. I still have a lot to learn. Although I told myself to stay off such commitments for at least the next year or two, I'm still secretly looking out for my guy. (:

896; Christmas.

2008-12-26T15:38:00.002+08:00

A Christmas family gathering that I never expected or wanted.
8am at the hospital, and they were going to wheel her into the OT.

I finally went to church, after one year of disappearance.
No musical, no Christmas carols. I was quite disappointed.
I learnt the true meaning of worship. Yet, I never understood it.

A huge lunch at Ikea restaurant with Lyn.
Then L4D for five straight hours. I'm almost there!

Met TW. He's 18 years old. I wanna see him again.

I got to talk to you at last. I missed you much.
I'm sorry to hear about what happened.
Looks like the both of us had an interesting Christmas this year...

895; be myself.

2008-12-23T15:27:00.003+08:00

I just wanna stay home and watch Heroes 3.
I just wanna hit the LAN shops and kill zombies.
I just wanna play Audition all day, all night.
I wanna stop thinking about love and guys and girls.
I wanna eat good food, dream, have fun and be myself.
I still want that summa cum laude, and I will get it.

894; game world.

2008-12-22T00:50:00.003+08:00

It's been a long while since I confided in my blog. Feeling a bit unhappy right now, with my sore throat and fatigue. I just reformatted my laptop and I don't know why I'm feeling lost right now. Like many of the things are gone and I don't know how to get them back. Heroes 3 isn't loading very well these days. My hard disk still has not enough space. No one's replying my SMSes. I can't charge my handphone cos I lost my charger, and the software is gone from my laptop after reformatting so I can't charge it through it now. I am broke. ROAR.

Whining aside...

I'm a gamer. I'm addicted to games. I don't know why, but it's a sudden revelation to me that happened a few minutes ago. Yes, I know I play games and I love games, but I never thought of myself or acknowledged the fact that I cannot live without games. I play games when I'm happy, and I play games when I'm down. I play games when I'm bored, I play games when I have loads of homework to do. I play games with friends, I play games alone. I crave for games almost all of the time. I can say that I play all kinds of games. RTS, RPG, FPS, racing, even small games like those from Yahoo!Games or Oberon Media. Computer games are my personal favourite. But hey, I love board games, arcade games, card games, etc. too! Anything that is fun, I'm in!

Yes, games constitute a major part of my life. I'm a gamer, and proud of it. (:

893; next to you.

2008-12-21T00:47:00.003+08:00

Maybe we're friends, maybe we're more
Maybe it's just my imagination
But I see you stare just a little too long
And it makes me start to wonder
So baby, call me crazy
But I think you feel it too
Maybe I, maybe I
Just got to get next to you

Baby let's get together and end this mystery.

892; letdown.

2008-12-20T00:57:00.001+08:00

I just saw my grades. Wtf??
You truly suck to the earth's core, Marj.

891; revelations.

2008-12-20T00:30:00.004+08:00

15 December 08:
We arrived at room 1634, had an interesting BBQ, and it was fun all night long. Kbox, bowling, truths... Simple activities that brought us even closer together. With you girls, I am happy. Even if it means not sleeping the whole night, which I was never willing to do unless I had no choice. I love you all!

NTS: I craved for alcohol, but I hardly touched it.

16 December 08:
A new member, who somehow made the place livelier. Thanks for helping me relive my bridge days again. Lunch, arcade, another BBQ. Simple activities again, which kept us alive. I had to stay in as I wasn't feeling well. Sam finally arrived, thank God. Mich dropped by and the place felt complete. Like every member of our little group has stepped into 1634 before. Feels great! (: Thank you, you girls, for surprising me with the panadol and the cleaned up room. Although I didn't really show it, it really touched me and I honestly could have stood there and cried. Thanks for making and saving dinner for me too. Thank you Jac for taking the initiative to make more beef and marshmallows for me, your cooking is wonderful! Trish, I owe you a nice drinking session and you owe me a hug to sleep! Thank you for breakfast(s). Yes, I owe you scrambled eggs too.

NTS: My interest in alcohol seemed to have died down.

17 December 08:
Honestly, I couldn't wait to get out of the place so that my rash would go away, but I really hated all this to end. 'Rat attack' in the morning was fantastic; it would be a game that I will never forget. The chalet's over. Time to catch up on sleep for you girls, and time for another long day and night for me. Who'd knew, the night would be an impactful, permanent wake-up call for me, which almost ruined my dream.

NTS: I am fucking sick of alcohol.

18 December 08:
Still traumatized and disappointed, I went through today with few words. Yet, there were a million thoughts screaming and whirling in my head. Lunch, games, movie, and at long last, I was home. I was homesick.

NTS: I seriously need to leave you alone.

890; sunshine love.

2008-12-15T10:56:00.005+08:00

You walked and skipped along,
in your pretty sundress in a song.
The sunlight soaking your tiny face,
I believed I'd never seen such grace.
You skipped ahead and turned around,
you said, "Why aren't you making a sound?"
I smiled and got down on my knees,
took your hand and cried, "Will you marry me?"

889; holiday!

2008-12-09T22:42:00.002+08:00

I'm back from Koh Samui!
It was a worthwhile trip.
At least we got to see most of the island!
And took many pictures. (:
I ate a lot. I put on like 5000kg.

Now, I'm looking forward to more fun!
It's Audition, Heroes 3, Angels&Demons and more hangouts! :D

888; love, family, nothing.

2008-12-06T01:33:00.006+08:00

My 888th post. A nice number... I shall dedicate it to love. Love is not all that's in a relationship. With you, I understand. And with you, I understand too.

Sometimes you're hot, sometimes you're cold. Sometimes I really don't know what you're thinking. What am I to you? I have been too nice to you that you're starting to take me for granted, are you. Maybe I shouldn't be too nice, you know. After all, where will all that go to?

It's like a reflection between the two. As for you, yeah. Perhaps you're better off with your friends, and I'm better off with mine. We don't really need each other in our lives, do we? We're pointing fingers at each other so often now that our conversations do not behave. Every little thing has got to link back to the past. Every little thing has got to be linked to the things that we have done before. We fault each other so much that there is no more good left between us. We've been holding on too much. We never moved on. It's time we should. Even if it means us moving on from the friends we made before. I know, I can't count on them anymore. I don't think you'd want to count on mine either.

IAG2 begins tomorrow. I know it'll be great. I wish I could visit... But I'm off to Ko Samui. I never really looked forward to the trip. But now I'm starting to dread it. Going overseas with my family had never been entirely smooth or happy. It's worse now... We're not happy even before we set off. What's going to happen there? I don't know. I just want to relax and have fun. Would I be able to do that? I'm not sure. Somehow I can't wait to return from the trip. I believe my holiday would truly start then!

Then again... There's a hole in my heart. It never got smaller. I just hope it won't get bigger.

887; season 2!

2008-12-04T00:23:00.002+08:00

Thanks to my sister who helped me fix the game, I had my Audition running well again! It's Season 2 this time and it rocks! The revamp is good. Just that it ought to stop having so many bugs so often. It's really heartening to see joshine in action again. (: Level 17 soon!

and one more paper to go ;)

886; war.

2008-12-01T01:27:00.005+08:00

She's starin' at me
I'm sittin', wonderin' what she's thinkin'
Nobody's talkin' cause talkin' just turns into screamin'
And now is I'm yellin' over her, she yellin' over me
All that that means is neither of us is listening
And what's even worse
That we don't even remember why were fighting

And it gets me upset, girl when your constantly accusing
Askin' questions that you already know
We're fighting this war, baby
When both of us are losing
This ain't the way that love is supposed to go

What happened to workin' it out
We've fall into this place
Where you ain't backin' down and I ain't backin' down
So what the hell do we do now...

It's all for nothing...

This post is for YOU. Just as you went offline on me, I understand why you're upset. There are things that we cannot talk about just yet. Yet I don't want to lie to you whenever you ask. Sheesh.. When will the war be over?

885; hot and cold.

2008-11-30T23:51:00.002+08:00

Sometimes you're hot, sometimes you're cold.
Sometimes I feel you, sometimes I don't.
Sometimes I don't know what's on your mind.
Sometimes I think you're just a waste of my time.

All I ever wanted, is for you to care a bit more about me...

884; collide.

2008-11-29T20:49:00.007+08:00

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

Out of the doubt that fills my mind

I somehow find you and I collide

I know it isn't easy. I know it's complicated. Thank you for everything still. It means a lot to me, everything you do... You're indeed one in a million and I thank God we found each other. I shall remain quiet, I do not need to say another word. You don't have to know now too... Just know that if all else fails, you still have me. Ily.

And something that samsam♥ said that struck me:
"Surprises are always a lot better,
disappointment always hurts."

883; tears and rain.

2008-11-28T01:41:00.002+08:00

How I wish I could surrender my soul
Shed the clothes that become my skin
See the liar that burns within my needing
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold
How I wish I had screamed out loud
Instead I've found no meaning

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind
Hold memory close at hand
Help me understand the years
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell
How I wish I would save my soul
I'm so cold from fear

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain

882; afraid.

2008-11-28T01:29:00.000+08:00

You have no idea how much I love you.

881; strong.

2008-11-27T23:13:00.000+08:00

It's the end of IAG1.
I look back and wonder where did all the strength come from.

Thank you guys for your support.
I would not have emerged a stronger individual without you.

There is a reason behind everything.
And whatever happens after this, I will accept it with grace.

880; mission chichis save children.

2008-11-21T21:00:00.002+08:00

It's IAG1 tomorrow. Finally it's my turn.
Much excitement, much anticipation.
I will do my best not to be anxious or stressed!
I love my team. During the camp, I'd love them even more.

Let the mission begin, Chichi warriors.

879; good times.

2008-11-17T23:59:00.002+08:00

It was the five of us, just laughing away and having a good time.
But we couldn't escape reality after.
There is just so much work.

Soon, there will not be work in our heads.
It would just be more fun, drinks, laughter, and friendship. (:

878; a desperate shout out.

2008-11-16T23:36:00.001+08:00

I AM FUCKING TIRED!!

877; there's a fine, fine line.

2008-11-09T15:03:00.004+08:00

There's a fine, fine line

Between a lover and a friend

There's a fine, fine line

Between reality and pretend

And you never know 'til you reach the top

If it was worth the uphill climb

There's a fine, fine line

Between love and a waste of time

876; one night.

2008-11-07T13:28:00.000+08:00

Let's go to the park
I wanna kiss you underneath the stars
Maybe we'll go too far
We just don't care,
We just don't care,
We just don't...

Let's make love,
Let's go somewhere they might discover us
Let's get lost in lust
We just don't care,
We just don't care,
We just don't care...

875; i wish...

2008-11-07T12:47:00.000+08:00

No one understands me like you do.
But I know I have to take a step back.

874; are we human?

2008-11-04T17:23:00.001+08:00

Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye
Wish me well..
You've got to let me go

873; linger.

2008-11-01T19:30:00.004+08:00

It's been five months since you're gone. He told me that someone will never be truly gone. Yes, it is true. I know you're never gone. I know you're always with me, even though you only visited me twice in these five months. How are you? I hope you're doing good. I know you don't want to see me sad, but tears still come whenever I think of you. That day, I saw your face in the last photograph that we took together. It's ugly. It reminds me of how you looked when you were taking your last breaths. But I cherish the photograph a lot. You were there. With everyone else. It's complete.

It's been five months. The experience still seems so vivid and recent to me. I still remember your face in the bed which you were lying on before they burnt you. I still remember how many times I went over to greet you. It seems that in the whole family, I'm the one under radar. No one knows how much it hurt. No one knows that I'm still hurting. It's only between you and me ok? There's no need for them to know. It's our little secret.

ahundredthousandmemories.

872; psily.

2008-11-01T19:25:00.002+08:00

I need to stop living in an illusion.
I need to stop wishing for something that's unattainable.
I need to focus and control myself.
I need to pretend that everything will stay the same.

871; ahundredthousandmemories.

2008-11-01T19:21:00.002+08:00

41 dedications. 249 messages... I didnt count the postcards, the letters, the promises, the dates, the reasons, the trips, the meals, the sleepovers, the drinks, the conversations...

ahundredthousandmemories.

870; unsettled.

2008-10-30T20:45:00.004+08:00

I know I keep changing my blogskin.
Some people think I'm just being fickle-minded.
Some people think I'm really free.
But it's just what happens when I'm feeling unsettled.
And I get tired of some things after a while.

This skin is in red and black.
I love this combination. Really hot.
I went through many skins before this one.
Then I stumbled upon this skin and settled on it.
It's red and black.

It's the darkness surrounding me, even though there's light.
Sometimes the darkness is invisible, that's when it creeps inside me.
And then there's red. Anger. Love. Blood. Passion.
It shouts, "Be a good girl and shut up."
But it still shouts.

I'm still shouting. No one can hear me.
I'm confused, I'm upset, I'm trying...
I'm fighting the cruel circumstances that won't give me a break.
Why am I so emo?
Haha, no I'm not emo; I'm coping.

869; ugly.

2008-10-23T22:27:00.002+08:00

It's the bad mood.
It's the lack of sleep.
It's the pressure.

It brings the ugly side out of me.

868; crap.

2008-10-20T22:44:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I wonder who my true friends really are, if I have any to begin with.

I don't know la.
Thoughts are just WHIRLING.

867; freeze.

2008-10-19T22:44:00.000+08:00

Hold the pose, a perfect picture
Just so I remember how you're looking tonight
Let it go, now the days gone
Standing in the dark, although we've turned on the lights

Tonight we will deny, that time is passing by
It's leaving you and I to...

Freeze a moment, it's never been better
Freeze all over, we won't last forever
You said that you're sorry for pushing me
But then smiled when I opened my eyes
I'm gonna freeze a moment, while we're together

Keep the peace, bygones be gone
Coming up the rain under the life that we've made
Under here, we're not so soft
Forgiving the feelings that we put on parade

Tonight we will deny, that time is passing by
It's leaving you and I to...

Freeze a moment, it's never been better
Freeze all over, we won't last forever
You said that you're sorry for pushing me
But then smiled when I opened my eyes
I'm gonna freeze this moment, while we're together

866; "you're late."

2008-10-19T22:25:00.003+08:00

How does it feel, when you come home, and all that your mom or dad cares about is whether you're home late or not?

865; my love language.

2008-10-18T23:41:00.002+08:00

Score / Love Language
6 Words of Affirmation
9 Quality Time
5 Receiving of Gifts
7 Acts of Service
3 Physical Touch

How to interpret your Profile Score:
Your highest score indicates your primary love language. Your second highest score indicates your secondary love language. If two scores are identical, you are bilingual (you have two primary love languages). If the scores of your primary and your secondary language are close (for example, 10 & 9 respectfully), it indicates both are important to you. Whatever a significant other does to express love in either of these languages will get emotional points with you. The highest possible score for any language is 12.

864; a speech that truly touched my heart.

2008-10-18T00:14:00.003+08:00

Thank you very, very much, President Keohane. Mrs. Gorbachev, Trustees, faculty, parents, and I should say, Julia Porter, class president, and certainly my new best friend, Christine Bicknell -- and, of course, the Class of 1990. I am really thrilled to be here today, and very excited, as I know all of you must be, that Mrs. Gorbachev could join us.

These -- These are exciting times. They're exciting in Washington, and I have really looked forward to coming to Wellesley. I thought it was going to be fun. I never dreamt it would be this much fun. So, thank you for that.

More than ten years ago, when I was invited here to talk about our experiences in the People's Republic of China, I was struck by both the natural beauty of your campus and the spirit of this place.

Wellesley, you see, is not just a place but an idea -- an experiment in excellence in which diversity is not just tolerated, but is embraced. The essence of this spirit was captured in a moving speech about tolerance given last year by a student body president of one of your sister colleges. She related the story by Robert Fulghum about a young pastor, finding himself in charge of some very energetic children, hits upon the game called "Giants, Wizards, and Dwarfs." "You have to decide now," the pastor instructed the children, "which you are -- a giant, a wizard, or a dwarf?" At that, a small girl tugging at his pants leg, asked, "But where do the mermaids stand?" And the pastor tells her there are no mermaids. And she says, "Oh yes there are -- they are. I am a mermaid."

Now this little girl knew what she was, and she was not about to give up on either her identity, or the game. She intended to take her place wherever mermaids fit into the scheme of things. "Where do the mermaids stand? All of those who are different, those who do not fit the boxes and the pigeonholes?" "Answer that question," wrote Fulghum, "And you can build a school, a nation, or a whole world." As that very wise young woman said, "Diversity, like anything worth having, requires effort -- effort to learn about and respect difference, to be compassionate with one another, to cherish our own identity, and to accept unconditionally the same in others."

You should all be very proud that this is the Wellesley spirit. Now I know your first choice today was Alice Walker -- guess how I know! -- known for The Color Purple. Instead you got me -- known for the color of my hair. Alice Walker's book has a special resonance here. At Wellesley, each class is known by a special color. For four years the Class of '90 has worn the color purple. Today you meet on Severance Green to say goodbye to all of that, to begin a new and a very personal journey, to search for your own true colors.

In the world that awaits you, beyond the shores of Waban -- Lake Waban, no one can say what your true colors will be. But this I do know: You have a first class education from a first class school. And so you need not, probably cannot, live a "paint-by-numbers" life. Decisions are not irrevocable. Choices do come back. And as you set off from Wellesley, I hope that many of you will consider making three very special choices.

The first is to believe in something larger than yourself, to get involved in some of the big ideas of our time. I chose literacy because I honestly believe that if more people could read, write, and comprehend, we would be that much closer to solving so many of the problems that plague our nation and our society.

And early on I made another choice, which I hope you'll make as well. Whether you are talking about education, career, or service, you're talking about life -- and life really must have joy. It's supposed to be fun.

One of the reasons I made the most important decision of my life, to marry George Bush, is because he made me laugh. It's true, sometimes we've laughed through our tears, but that shared laughter has been one of our strongest bonds. Find the joy in life, because as Ferris Bueller said on his day off, "Life moves pretty fast; and ya don't stop and look around once in a while, ya gonna miss it."

(I'm not going to tell George ya clapped more for Ferris than ya clapped for George.)

The third choice that must not be missed is to cherish your human connections: your relationships with family and friends. For several years, you've had impressed upon you the importance to your career of dedication and hard work. And, of course, that's true. But as important as your obligations as a doctor, a lawyer, a business leader will be, you are a human being first. And those human connections --- with spouses, with children, with friends -- are the most important investments you will ever make.

At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a child, a friend, or a parent.

We are in a transitional period right now -- We are in a transitional period right now, fascinating and exhilarating times, learning to adjust to changes and the choices we, men and women, are facing. As an example, I remember what a friend said, on hearing her husband complain to his buddies that he had to babysit. Quickly setting him straight, my friend told her husband that when it's your own kids, it's not called babysitting.

Now maybe we should adjust faster; maybe we should adjust slower. But whatever the era twenty -- whatever the era, whatever the times, one thing will never change: fathers and mothers, if you have children, they must come first. You must read to your children, and you must hug your children, and you must love your children. Your success as a family, our success as a society, depends not on what happens in the White House, but on what happens inside your house.

For over fifty years, it was said that the winner of Wellesley's annual hoop race would be the first to get married. Now they say, the winner will be the first to become a C.E.O. Both -- Both of those stereotypes show too little tolerance for those who want to know where the mermaids stand. So -- So I want to offer a new legend: the winner of the hoop race will be the first to realize her dream -- not society's dreams -- her own personal dream.

And who -- Who knows? Somewhere out in this audience may even be someone who will one day follow in my footsteps, and preside over the White House as the President's spouse -- and I wish him well.

Well, the controversy ends here. But our conversation is only beginning. And a worthwhile conversation it has been. So as you leave Wellesley today, take with you deep thanks for the courtesy and the honor you have shared with Mrs. Gorbachev and with me.

Thank you. God bless you. And may your future be worthy of your dreams.

-Barbara Pierce Bush
(former First Lady)
"Top 100 Speeches"

863; freeze.

2008-10-17T00:17:00.003+08:00

862; one step at a time.

2008-10-14T00:09:00.002+08:00

Council at the moment:
A skeptical place.
An extremely busy scene.
Bash, elections, and newbies.
I'm just a face in the crowd now...
Will I stand out?
I do my best not to judge,
yet I can't hide my disappointment,
when I see some people's lucks.

Well, this is just the beginning.
I look forward to the rest!
I know that this is the choice I've made,
and I shall do my very best. (:

861; japan today.

2008-10-12T19:36:00.001+08:00

Raikkonen, raikkonen, raikkonen.
You are truly my favourite. (:

860; so much better, you're not for me.

2008-10-12T00:54:00.002+08:00

And so, I was left alone again.
At least I could go near it and feel it.
Is that good? I don't know.
I wish I could be a part of it too.

We were just talking about it.
Yes, I feel so restrained too.
But why am I not rebelling?
Is it my conscience?

Fuck the conscience...
I'm starting to get annoyed by it.
I wish I could have the courage to stand up for myself.
I tried, but failed many times.

Then, I passed by my previous uni.
A wave of nostalgia swept over me...
I did not expect myself to feel that way.
That place really makes me feel like a loser...

If I had my dream set of parents,
I am very certain that I'd turn out very differently.
I'd be so much better.
I'd be so, so much better...

859; mark.

2008-10-10T01:23:00.000+08:00

UB SC, welcome me. (:

858; talk you down.

2008-10-10T01:21:00.001+08:00

Just a cigarette gone
No you couldn't be that far
So I'm driving in my car where I hope you are
Maybe I can talk you down
Maybe I can talk you down

We're standing on a tiny ledge
Before this goes over the edge
Gonna use my heart and not my head
And try to open up your eyes
This is relationship suicide

857; lucky.

2008-10-10T00:49:00.001+08:00

I'm so glad I talked to you today.
I'm so fortunate to have you and the rest.
I look forward to going to school because of you people.
Thank you for being part of my life. (:

856; the end where i begin.

2008-10-07T20:57:00.004+08:00

Sometimes tears say all there is to say
Sometimes your first scars wont ever fade, away
Tried to break my heart, well it's broke
Tried to hang me high, well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me, well I'm soaked
Soaked to the skin

It's the end where I begin
It's the end where I begin

Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes
Sometimes we've no choice but to walk away, away
Tried to break my heart, well it's broke
Tried to hang me high, well I'm choked
Wanted rain on me, well I'm soaked
Soaked to the skin

855; car hangover.

2008-10-06T00:10:00.002+08:00

I'm still pretty psyched about the F1 race in Singapore!
Rosberg and Raikkonen. My heroes. Whoo! :D

854; holiday!

2008-10-06T00:09:00.000+08:00

Kosamui in December. (:

853; no more blue nails.

2008-10-04T20:39:00.002+08:00

It has been a horribly emotionally draining week.

Monday. I lost my shoebag.
Together with my favourite shoes, camera, DS, house keys, and other personal stuff.
Tuesday. I had flu the whole day.
Wednesday. The cramps put me in bed the entire day.
Thursday was alright.
Friday. I didn't like the way you handled things too.

I've learnt my lesson.
I know, and I regret.

The past few days have been really rough.
Saturday. I'm home now.

I pray that everything will be okay again.

852; in a line.

2008-09-27T22:35:00.001+08:00

Why am I blogging one-line posts nowadays?

851; ups and downs.

2008-09-27T22:30:00.001+08:00

It gets so confusing and tiring sometimes.

850; pigeon pageant.

2008-09-25T23:31:00.002+08:00

It's the first time someone ever asked me to join a pageant. Twice.

849; will.

2008-09-25T22:40:00.001+08:00

I'm starting to lag behind.
But fret not, all things are possible with the will.
Mid-terms in about a week!

I'm going to make history. ;)

848; the volley principle.

2008-09-25T22:38:00.002+08:00

Volleyball training.
One of the newbies was also like me, who is inspired by the Olympic volleyball games.
The Olympic dream!

Yes, volleyball again.
Recreational, please.